One of the ideas that sits at the heart of how I work is what's known as the paradoxical theory of change: if we are fighting to be something we are not, we miss out on the support we actually need to change. Real, lasting change doesn't come from battling ourselves into a different shape. It comes from kindness.
An Everyday Example
Let's say you're trying to build a habit of going to the gym. You manage two good days, and on the third, you don't go. There are two ways to respond to that moment.
The first is to beat yourself up—to tell yourself you're lazy, that you always do this, that you'll never change. That response floods your body with stress hormones like cortisol. It doesn't create motivation; it creates shame, and shame rarely gets anyone back through the gym door.
The second is to get curious instead: this is a pattern—what do I need? Maybe you needed more rest. Maybe the time of day wasn't working. Maybe you needed to plan the session with a friend to feel accountable without judgement. This response supports the change you actually want, without damaging your sense of self along the way.
Why Self-Kindness Isn't Self-Indulgence
People sometimes worry that being kind to themselves means letting themselves off the hook—that accepting where they are will mean staying stuck there. In my experience, it's the opposite. Acceptance isn't the end of the story; it's what makes the next chapter possible.